Sophia

i have yet to update about the happenings of the past month or so. after easter, and a very long v good visit to Matty's (and him to my house) i returned to be faced with some very umpleasant news. a shcool friend had commited suicide. i am very aware that i have appeared to be quite blunt and almost uncaring but i still do not quite know what to make of it. this brought many questions to mind, many of the being selfish for which i am ashamed. i worried about my drama piece of which she was in, and how on earth we were to perform it. i wondered (and tried to remember) what the last words i had said to her had been. i kept feeling guity for some things i had said to her and for some things i never said. i also felt guilty for not crying, until i had to relate what had happened to Matty. this made the first tears run. From then until my father's party i have very little memories apart from attempting to do my homework and not succeeding. At my dad's bday party i tried to be sociable and for the most part i managed to do so, however there were a few people who noticed i looked a bit down and i felt terrible for having to tell them the cause. i felt that i ruined their evenings.
On the monday it was Sophia's funeral. it was in a greek orthodox church and there was lots of insence, lots of standing up, and lots of tears. most of my year, even thoe who had left last year, were there. i thought it was really nice, Sophia would have been so surprised. we packed out the church, her family even had to stan at the back, not out of choice or convention but because of space. the first set of tears came from me when the coffin arrived. i believe this was when the truth finally hit me, and it hit me hard. i was not sitting with my friends although i believe this was helpful as it meant i was less embarressed to cry. this is no insult to my friends, they are great, but i was surrounded by people who were in lots of tears, they were vetry friendly, although i was not brilliant friends with them. it made the crying easier. Afetr the ceremony we all slowly walked outside. after a while the coffin came out and every body cried heavily again. it went into the hearse with a photo i know Sophia didn't like as her hair was not completely straight! there was also a few sets of flowers and a teddy. the hearse wouldn't start. the driver had to go and get something from the petrol station on the other side of the road...or something and then the hearse went. everyone ewas joking that Sophia didn't want to go. it was good that there was a group feeling among everyone. kate, angharad, and me all went back to Camilla's, with camilla. (sorry if you were there oloma, i can't remember) after a few hours i left and went home. it was a very toi8gh day.
there have been a lot of other tough days since, like the firsyt day back at school, but it was going okay until today. today in church we were all told that if we had a testimonay about God being good and faithful then it was an opotunity to go to the front and say it. earlier this week i had had a conversation with camilla about Sophia in relation to my faith. ever since the news i had been terrified of that question being asked. somehow i found the streght to talk about it and didn't feel like i was being interogated or looked down on by Camilla (even though j was talking about the possibility of Sophia being in hell) it was verey difficult abut i didn't break down, i had the strenght to talk. today in church i went to the front (after a little persuasion from Matty) and as soon as i spoke my first word i knew i was hardly going to be able to finis. i was shaking and crying and was only just audible. after i finished Keeley, who was leading the service, prated for me and i went to sit down. i still had tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks but i stayed until the next song, trying to stop any more tears. i went downstairs with Matty and cleaned up my face. i cried a bit more and after a few well needed hugs i returned upstairs. i was very surprised i had been affected so badly and also was surprised at how many people told me i had been 'very brave' and that i was 'inspirational'.
Now i am writing this i am not crying although i do feel a little sad. if any prayerful people are reading this some prayer would be great. thank you, xx