Chapter Two

I began to open my eyes and the bright light moving before me blinded me. I sharply shut up eyes once more. I tried to move but found it too painful. I can remember sounds and feelings. The sirens were spiralling and dancing around in my head and I could hear people’s voices. I could hear my name, but I could not answer. I felt alone and scared. I had a pain in my chest and I seemed to have no control over my legs. I wanted to sleep, I slowly felt myself drifting off. Suddenly a sharp pain ran through my face, sourcing from my cheek. My eyes opened as a reflex reaction and the lights before me swirled and flickered. A face came and blocked the lights, as I squinted I heard a voice from the distance, ‘Don’t go to sleep now, you might not wake up.’ I closed my eyes and felt her hand slide down my arm, and then the comforting clasp as she gently held my hand. I was reassured and thankful for the company.
I feel ashamed now that at that time James did not even pass my mind. I felt guilt for weeks afterwards; he had come off much worse than I. I had mild concussion and broken both legs. This had happened when I opened the door of the car and rolled out. At least, this is what the doctors have told me. James didn’t get out of the car. He remained in his seat. Well, almost, he was thrown forwards and his head hit the steering wheel. The seatbelt had given him whiplash and he was in intensive care for what seemed like ages. He was still in a coma.
The first time I went to visit him I felt so sick. I had been asking for a few days when I would be able to and I think I had managed to annoy most of the staff on my ward. Finally they said he was well enough to have a visitor. I asked for a wheelchair as my arms were tired from attempting to use crutches. They had suggested I used a wheelchair originally but me, being my usual stubborn self, had declined the offer. I was too worried about James to appreciate the technology of the wheelchair and too worried to enjoy pressing buttons to move around. At any other time I would have been rushing around having the time of my life in this wheelchair. I got to the ward where James was and the nurse who had been accompanying me left. I wheeled myself over to his bed. I remained looking at his feet as I was worried of what I might see if I looked at his face. I had been warned he was sleeping, that he was in a coma, and, due to the head injury, it was unlikely that he’d regain consciousness for a while yet. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I turned to look at the floor. I heard a soft grunt and looked up to his face, he was still asleep. Slowly my eyes scanned over his face and I wanted to vomit. There were tubes and machines surrounding him. They weren’t all that serious but they were intimidating and scary. He had a shaved head and a large bandage wrapped around it. I pushed myself up his bed and sat beside his face. He looked so peaceful and yet he looked a wreck. The blame was mine, I knew it. If I hadn’t…well, it was over now. I was so confused about what had happened and was just praying and hoping that he would be okay, that he would make a quick and complete recovery.
After the next few visits I found the machinery less daunting and began to talk to him, even though he wasn’t awake. The nurses were a little worried about how little he seemed to be doing; there was no reaction to anything, no change in his medical state. I wasn’t too worried though, no change was good. It meant he wasn’t getting any worse.
It was after two weeks of being there when he made the first noticeable change. He woke up; he was out of the coma. The doctors were somewhat surprised. I wasn’t there when it happened but it seems, from the gossip on my ward and from the very basic answers to my questions, that he wasn’t awake for very long before he fell asleep, real sleep this time, not a coma. This was a new hope. There was still a long way to go due to the other injuries he received in the crash. When I did go to visit him the doctors all seemed a lot more positive. Somehow I never seemed to time my visits so that he was awake but I didn’t mind. I talked to him, as though he was awake, and hoped he would be able to hear me. Even if he couldn’t I didn’t mind, it was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn’t constantly talking back. It was peaceful and relaxing, much more tranquil than the rush of the rest of the hospital.
I noticed that there was one nurse who never came to look at me. All the nurses seemed to share the duties amongst themselves but he steered clear of me. I began to worry about it, wondering if he had a problem. When Mary, the head nurse came over one day I decided to ask her about him. It was difficult as I was tired and I didn’t know his name. ‘Mary?’ she came over and crouched down beside me, ‘I was wondering if I could ask you something, confidentially, you know?’ I didn’t want the whole ward finding out if he hated me, I also didn’t want him to find out that I thought he hated me if it turned out there was another reason. ‘Of course you can,’ came the reply, ‘I’ve told you before that you can always ask me anything you want and there will always be the same doctor patient confidentiality whatever it is,’ she gave me a smile and sat on the edge of my bed. I pushed myself up so that I was resting on my elbow and I leant in towards her. Gently I whispered, ‘You know the nurse, the male one. He has rich brown skin and he works on this ward,’ Mary looked at me with a knowing gaze, ‘Ah yes, I know who you mean,’ she said, ‘You aren’t the first to ask. I don’t know if he is single at the moment but I will find out.’ Then she winked and began to walk away. I wanted to call after her but I didn’t have the energy. Anyway, I knew she wasn’t going to spread it around the ward as she had promised but I began to feel slightly queasy. I didn’t want him thinking that I felt like that about him. I didn’t want any one thinking that. Slowly I calmed down and went back to sleep.
The next morning, after I had been for a short visit to James and talked for a while about this and that, Mary came over to my bed. ‘I just thought I’d let you know that I have asked him and he says he is single although he has his eye on someone. He wouldn’t tell me who but I’m sure you’re in with a chance.’ I rolled my eyes and wanted to laugh. She winked at me and walked off. I quietly let out a short breath in laughter and slowly shook my head. What would the gossipers come up with next? For one thing what could a man, who apparently most of my ward had a crush on, find to like in me? For another thing, if he liked me so much why did he make such an effort to avoid me? I pushed the idea to the back of my mind. It was quite happy there, I didn’t want to think about it anyway. I decided to pass the time by reading through the papers I had picked up when I was knocked over on the day of my crash. I could only make out some of the words as the ink had smudged. They were also dirty and muddy so I decided to ask the nurses to recycle them. I couldn’t see anything interesting on what I could read.
I had a nap after lunch, and as I reluctantly opened my eyes after finally admitting I was awake, I saw that nurse in front of me. The one who was always avoiding me was now standing right beside my bed. I groaned, what had changed his mind now? ‘Hi, is there something you want here?’ I asked in a slightly aggressive tone. He looked rather startled so I carried on, ‘Sorry if that seemed rude, I just woke up, what can I do for you?’ He stepped forward, ‘I realised I haven’t spoken to you since you came in. I wondered if there was anything I could do to help. Maybe you just want a chat?’ He smiled so pleasantly I didn’t want to shoo him away so I politely said I’d like a drink of water. When he came back he sat on the side of my bed. I just wanted him to go. I felt uncomfortable, sitting here, feeling trapped by this stranger on my bed. He made small talk and I dutifully answered all the questions he asked. Suddenly, out of the blue he said, ‘so, uh, do you have a boyfriend?’ My eyes widened and I held my breath in shock. Suddenly I felt so exposed, like everyone was looking at me, ‘well, uh, no, I don’t…I mean, well, I don’t want to…umm.’ I felt my cheeks go red as his shoulders slumped forwards in disappointment, ‘Sorry,’ I finished.
He went back to not really talking to me after that. I felt terrible. I called him over a few times but he always ignored me, pretended he couldn’t hear. Mary came over to me a few days later complaining that he seemed to be out of sorts. She asked if I knew anything about it. I quietly asked what she meant, still looking down at my fidgety hands and she explained, ‘Well,’ she began, ‘He is a lot quieter, he seems almost rude at times. It isn’t anything major but I have known him for a few years and he hasn’t been like this for a while.’ After that I decided that I was going to make it my aim to talk to him. Every time he was anywhere near I called him. By the end of the day my throat hurt and, just before he left he finally came over. ‘What is it Miss, I’m afraid I’m leaving now so it had better be quick,’ I felt so awkward with him not daring to look me in the eye. ‘I just wanted to apologise, I didn’t mean to upset you but I just don’t need a relationship at the moment.’ He looked at me in the eye for the first time in days, ‘It’s okay I guess. I’ve found out about your boyfriend, I guess I don’t have a chance.’ Then he smiled, ‘But if he ever dumps you I’d love the chance to date you,’ then he walked off and went home. When Mary came over to check I was okay before retiring home herself, I asked her, ‘Why does Nurse Richards think I have a boyfriend?’ she smiled at me, ‘You can’t hide him away you know, gossip spreads in this place.’ I changed my tactics, trying to find out exactly who started this rumour, ‘Who told him I had a boyfriend?’ ‘Well, I did,’ came the reply. ‘But why?’ I shouted back at her. ‘I don’t have a boyfriend and I never want one,’ Mary looked at me in shock, ‘But, James? You are his girlfriend aren’t you? I mean to say, you visit him so much, you’re so worried about him,’ I tensed my face, staring her straight in the eye as I growled, ‘he is not my boyfriend,’ then I turned over and closed my eyes, hoping she would leave me alone.
The next day, in one of my visits to James, the first time where he was awake, he told me of how the nurses on his ward commented on my frequent visits. He blushed and said he was flattered. I told him about Nurse Richards and what had been happening on my ward. He went a bit quiet after I told him about how they thought we were going out. I was a bit hurt that the idea upset him so much but I let it pass, seeing as I had got so angry when it had been suggested myself. It turned out he had already been told parts of what had happened. The gossip, as Mary had said, travels fast in a hospital. The main conclusion made was that I was a lesbian. I was glad of that. It gave James and me something to laugh at. We both knew it wasn’t true, that it was a ridiculous suggestion. That rumour soon died down. There was always a new piece of gossip for the old ladies and the staff to come up with and to develop.
After this first step towards recovery he seemed to speed up. He was almost ready to leave the hospital within about a month, which was a lot faster than any of the doctors would have first anticipated. I had been to visit a couple of times and had proper conversations with him in which he was able to talk back. I had grown used to the tubes and his hair had begun to grow back. I had managed to persuade the doctors and nurses that it was best for me to stay in hospital for these past few weeks. There were lots of spare beds and very few patients to fill them. Anyway, it was nice for James to have a friendly face as neither of us had any other regular visitors. My mum came to visit once but she didn’t live very close and she was very busy at work, I wasn’t expecting anyone else. I received a couple of beautiful cards from my friends, some shop bought and some that they had made themselves. They brightened up my sleeping area and, when I got some flowers sent to me, I asked the nurse to give them to another woman on my ward who hadn’t had any visitors since I had arrived. It wasn’t a complete act of kindness, I don’t really like flowers.